There are many articles and posts about new Mommys and Daddys hiting the ground running as they try to figure out this parenting stuff. And while I too have stressed, caved, made mistakes, and just basked in those priceless precious moments, I have realized that every person who says to the screaming pouting baby "Life must be so rough" in a patronizing sarcastic tone really hasn't stopped to think about how goddamned frustrating life really is for someone in their first year.
Now, for argument's sake, I'm going to set aside the fact that my own baby remained hospitalized for 3 months and experienced his own newborn world of Hell and pain. Just looking at those developmental milestones that all children go through is enough.
Now, for argument's sake, I'm going to set aside the fact that my own baby remained hospitalized for 3 months and experienced his own newborn world of Hell and pain. Just looking at those developmental milestones that all children go through is enough.
The Early Years:
EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT!
Think about it!
You begin sense of awareness someplace that's warm, comfy, and usually pretty predictable. Then you are violently vacated, no longer comfy, brought out into the cold, forced into the open air trying to get your never-before-used airways clear of fluid that wasn't choking you before this very moment. Things are loud. Things are bright. You have no idea what's going on, no one can explain it to you, and you have zero control over anything including your own body. Have an itch? Too freaking bad! You can't even coordinate these limbs that you're pretty sure follow you around, and may even be attached to you, but damn if they do what you'd actually like them to - most of the time they just jerk about, sometimes enough to bat something away or be within mouth chomping range, but really it's pretty hit and miss.
Think about it!
You begin sense of awareness someplace that's warm, comfy, and usually pretty predictable. Then you are violently vacated, no longer comfy, brought out into the cold, forced into the open air trying to get your never-before-used airways clear of fluid that wasn't choking you before this very moment. Things are loud. Things are bright. You have no idea what's going on, no one can explain it to you, and you have zero control over anything including your own body. Have an itch? Too freaking bad! You can't even coordinate these limbs that you're pretty sure follow you around, and may even be attached to you, but damn if they do what you'd actually like them to - most of the time they just jerk about, sometimes enough to bat something away or be within mouth chomping range, but really it's pretty hit and miss.
I Think I Know I'm A Person:
At this point I've figured a lot out. I know who comforts me. I know what I like to play with or chew on. I have routines that make me happy and comfortable. But my ability to just lay on my back and feel content is waning.
I know I'm a person now. I know I should be able to get to where I want to go like I see literally EVERYONE ELSE doing. My legs want to move. My arms are falling into place to catch myself. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!
*EPIC FAIL*
Whether it was crawling, walking, or trying to get the goddamn spoon in my mouth like I know it's SUPPOSE TO, it just doesn't work out - EVER! It's frustrating, embarassing, and 95% it's pretty damn scary, not to mention that my beautiful headshape is now starting to feel like a wrecking ball made of playdough.
Honestly, if an adult failed THAT much at what clearly seems to be a universal ability, human interaction outside of one's household would cease entirely.
I know I'm a person now. I know I should be able to get to where I want to go like I see literally EVERYONE ELSE doing. My legs want to move. My arms are falling into place to catch myself. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!
*EPIC FAIL*
Whether it was crawling, walking, or trying to get the goddamn spoon in my mouth like I know it's SUPPOSE TO, it just doesn't work out - EVER! It's frustrating, embarassing, and 95% it's pretty damn scary, not to mention that my beautiful headshape is now starting to feel like a wrecking ball made of playdough.
Honestly, if an adult failed THAT much at what clearly seems to be a universal ability, human interaction outside of one's household would cease entirely.
Teeth:
Just when you think that things are all fine and dandy - sure, you're bashing your head a few times a week and falling on your butt every day, but it's getting more predictable and less scary - something inside of your skull has decided that you should never be happy ever again. Forget accidentally bashing your head in, now you pretty much want to because serrated knives are slowly grinding up and down your gumline. Some babies are lucky. Some babies get a few days of pain and then a few sets of teeth to start inflicting pain upon others. But we few, we lucky few who get to experience months upon months of what seems like ceaseless teething, well, life sucks.
What's more facinating about this is how they try to find something positive between the ebbs and flows of teething. Like, "for this one minute, I don't want to rip my jaw out, so I'm going to play peek-a-boo like a champ!"
And eating? I didn't think it was possible for someone with no teeth to eat pretty much all of the same foods that I do.
I'm starting to question the evolutional purpose of teeth in our modern age. For how much I spend on making sure that my teeth aren't rotting out of my head, and then, even despite all of the intensive daily care given to my teeth, they still stir up a violent mutiny that costs even more to appease. And really, you have to attend to your teeth, because not only is it bloody painful to have unhappy teeth, but the sneaky little buggers can actually kill you faster with an infection you don't know you have than one of those major flu-ish outbreaks that you trample over people to get vaccinated from.
Seriously Kid, if I could suppress your teething and save you from a life of unecessary pain, I totally would.
What's more facinating about this is how they try to find something positive between the ebbs and flows of teething. Like, "for this one minute, I don't want to rip my jaw out, so I'm going to play peek-a-boo like a champ!"
And eating? I didn't think it was possible for someone with no teeth to eat pretty much all of the same foods that I do.
I'm starting to question the evolutional purpose of teeth in our modern age. For how much I spend on making sure that my teeth aren't rotting out of my head, and then, even despite all of the intensive daily care given to my teeth, they still stir up a violent mutiny that costs even more to appease. And really, you have to attend to your teeth, because not only is it bloody painful to have unhappy teeth, but the sneaky little buggers can actually kill you faster with an infection you don't know you have than one of those major flu-ish outbreaks that you trample over people to get vaccinated from.
Seriously Kid, if I could suppress your teething and save you from a life of unecessary pain, I totally would.
Words, Words, Words:
I know what words are. I hear you use them and I know what you're saying. But do you have any idea how much coordination goes into uttering syllables? It requires conscious effort to create that fluidity between mouth and tongue, to control your air intake and outtake at just the right time. It's not my fault that my utterance for "ball" "bottle" "dog" and "Dad" are all the same! That shit's hard! On top of that, I'm doing my freaking best to communicate in a way that doesn't involve screaming at the top of my lungs, thereby saving us both the agony of you pacing around, pulling your hair out, screaming back "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!", and yet, despite my best efforts, you STILL haven't figured out what I want! I'm saying it. Lord knows I'm saying it as best as I know how! And what do I get for my efforts? Back to square one of me screaming out in frustration and you pacing around, pulling your hair out, screaming back "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!" Only this time, because I'm a little bit older, my demands will be dismissed as "Just being fussy", and I'll probably be plopped into my crib, forced to have "Quiet time," and all because I just wanted to share with you that I know where the dog is. It may not seem important to you, but two weeks ago I wasn't able to share this news with you - it's important to ME!
Conclusion:
You couldn't pay me to re-experience the life of a baby. Yes, there are some adorable moments of discovery, but it's really a lot of hardship that they just deal with because they really haven't any choice at all in the matter. As frustrated as I may get sometimes being the Mommy, it doesn't compare to the hurdles that my little guy faces every single day.
The Perk?
In my opinion, there's only one thing I truly envy about my son.
When I'm a little old lady, please pop me into one of these. I don't want to go quietly in my bed. I want to go quietly in this comfy cozy swing!
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